Trials

You try to be the best possible friend and you try to care for others constantly before yourself. You expect the same consideration from others but you don't always get it.  This year has been one of many trials. The hardest thing to hear from someone very close to me was this: "you never go out of your way to do anything nice for anyone." I have spent too many nights holding on to this sentence and wondering if it is really true. I know I'm not a terrible person but do I really only focus on myself and not others? I always thought I put others' feelings and needs before my own. This is why it hurt so bad when I was "stabbed in the back". I would never treat a close friend the way I was treated this year and it hurt to know the other person clearly didn't feel the same way about me. Even when "it"  happened I still thought "Your first priority is to be happy for them". I still feel that way and wouldn't want it to be any different. I know God has put these trials and certain people in my life to strengthen me. I only hope and pray that I come out the other side a better person. I want to let go of all the bitterness that has stored up and be free of my anger, sorrow, and tears.

Be a Light

Why do we put ourselves in these states of mind that drag us down to the depths of despair? Why do we constantly think about the bad things? Why do our minds pursue negatives thoughts about us and the world around us? Why can't I stop thinking about all that is dark, scary, lonely, and ugly? Why can't I, for just once, think about myself in a positive way? Why can't I dream about a happy ending? Why can't I be happy today? Maybe someday I will understand this black hole. I hope I will because that means that I will be in the light. Shining like a beacon of hope for others who are struggling. A light is what I want to become.