Go and Do

I love walking through graveyards. Though this might sound strange or morbid, it brings me peace. It is a reminder that there is a time for everything. There is a season of life and  a season of death. Urging me to live. The cliché phrase that "life is short" never rings louder than when walking amidst the graves. Both children and grandparents that have gone  through this world would tell you that life passes you by in an instant. Reading headstones that have heartfelt messages or seeing souls that did not make it past a year give me chills and goose bumps. This is the reminder: Live life abundantly. Fill yourself with knowledge, explore the world, connect with people, love deeply, personify Christ, and feel. Feel the wind, shower in the rain, bathe in the sunlight, and wash in the ocean. Find your purpose early in life and show people your dreams. Go and Do because time is running out. Live Richly.

Trials

You try to be the best possible friend and you try to care for others constantly before yourself. You expect the same consideration from others but you don't always get it.  This year has been one of many trials. The hardest thing to hear from someone very close to me was this: "you never go out of your way to do anything nice for anyone." I have spent too many nights holding on to this sentence and wondering if it is really true. I know I'm not a terrible person but do I really only focus on myself and not others? I always thought I put others' feelings and needs before my own. This is why it hurt so bad when I was "stabbed in the back". I would never treat a close friend the way I was treated this year and it hurt to know the other person clearly didn't feel the same way about me. Even when "it"  happened I still thought "Your first priority is to be happy for them". I still feel that way and wouldn't want it to be any different. I know God has put these trials and certain people in my life to strengthen me. I only hope and pray that I come out the other side a better person. I want to let go of all the bitterness that has stored up and be free of my anger, sorrow, and tears.

Be a Light

Why do we put ourselves in these states of mind that drag us down to the depths of despair? Why do we constantly think about the bad things? Why do our minds pursue negatives thoughts about us and the world around us? Why can't I stop thinking about all that is dark, scary, lonely, and ugly? Why can't I, for just once, think about myself in a positive way? Why can't I dream about a happy ending? Why can't I be happy today? Maybe someday I will understand this black hole. I hope I will because that means that I will be in the light. Shining like a beacon of hope for others who are struggling. A light is what I want to become.

Collide

Just for once I want someone to really know me. My family knows me in a way that not many others do, but that isn't really all of me. They know what kind of food I like and dislike. They know that I love to read. They know those parts of me. My friends know me in a different way. They know that I am dazed and loopy without sleep. They know who I think is cute. They know those parts of me. There are very few people who collide into both "worlds". But the ones that do are the ones that will stay in your life for a very long time. They are the ones that you call up when you can barely speak because you're sobbing. They are the ones you text wacky pictures of yourself to. They are the ones you will never forget and never take for granted. They are your true best friends that become part of your family. Happy birthday to my best friend of 16 years! I love you Abigail <3

Disturbances

There is this owl outside my house. This sentence along with the title says it all. The entire night I lay in bed trying to get some sleep while this nocturnal creature stays up hooting nonstop. I can not take it any longer! The less sleep I get the more I want to throw some rocks into the tree. It starts early enough so that I'm not ready to sleep and won't stop until morning. Tonight it has just begun and my nightmare is a reality!

Quote Time!!!

Some of my favorite quotes! Enjoy :)

My Mountain

I finally thought I had gotten over this bump in the road. When I discover it's more like a mountain. There is no way to get across. It is full of wild animals getting ready to hunt you down. The forests are thick with vines and poisonous leaves. It would take too long to get to the other side. I would run out of essentials. The water on the mountain is filthy and would give me a disease. The food is not edible. I would die. But I will not, because I have a greater power with me. I am a child of the One Most High. I do not have to go alone. He will carry me if I get weary. My Lord and the God of all the nations will sustain me. He will give me a place of rest and He will protect me from the dangers in the sinister forests. God led me over the bump to prove to me I could trust in Him. Now He has led me to the mountain to test whether I will follow Him faithfully. He can take me blindfolded through the treacherous mountains and I will cling to Him. For He is my Rock, Sheild, and my Safe Haven.

Flying away into the cold a piece of my soul flies away, away to you.
Each moment you say something to me a piece of my soul finds you.
Every touch every glance a piece of my soul is with you. You may never know you may never care,
but pieces of my soul will always be with you. I will never say what I need to say, but if you hear this song my soul is with you. Falling away away from me, but i know I'll always be with you. A piece of me will never be complete, for you took a piece of me with you. When it goes away I feel a little tear. Taking part of me into the thin air. One thing you should know is that with each little tear I begin to feel. Numbness goes away. A fire comes to light. Every little tear is making me all right. Somehow being shred apart is giving me a start. Something new is ahead. You are far behind. Taking pieces of my soul will be your only sight. I will be long gone into my new life. Those lost pieces of my soul will be found again in time.

New habits

This past month has been a whirlwind. I found it very challenging to find time for myself. Last night I decided that my life was not in turmoil because of a hectic schedule, but because of time management. I decided it was time to put my life in order. I found a planner and wrote down everything that needed done for the next month. Notice I wrote down what needed to be done not what I wanted to do. In the end I know it will be more rewarding to have accomplished what was necessary and not the other things that distract us from what is important. I know you cannot plan out your life, but I felt an amazing burden lifted because of this new organization habit. I hope to keep it up until it becomes an ordinary habit. Writing at least one blog post a day is one thing I have added to my agenda. This habit of organization will hopefully continue throughout the year.

Time

When the good old days become distant memories and the hopeful future becomes the present. When the generation ahead of you has gone away and those behind you start creeping up. Time moves by like the wind, you feel it passing but never see it go. You know something in the air has changed or moved but can't quite put your finger on it. Time is quick and powerful. Time is slow and gentle. The wind can move us. We can sometimes make wind move. Time is a concept that cannot be understood. It takes its form in the mind. Time differs according to each person. Time for me is slow during the day and fast at night. It is powerful in a race. It is mighty when with loved ones. Time is gentle when spent alone. It is soft when I am sleeping. Time depends on my attitude. I depend on time for my attitude. Time is an exact moment or a vague estimate. I truly believe that while time is important, it does not matter what the time is when you are laughing, praying, helping, caring, or loving. Time can not interfere with life. The best memories are not remembered by the time but by the moment. What is time for you?

Nothingness

Why do I sit and stare thinking, thinking thoughts of nothing?
Is it because I am empty of thoughts or do my thoughts mean nothing?
I think my thoughts mean something and I know my head is not empty.
So why do I sit staring, staring into the darkness?

The void of despair, I do not think is why my thoughts take root.
I might not ever discover the origin of my contemplation.
I believe I can say for certain that they do not come from hatred,
Yet I also know they are not of pure joy or love for any creation.

I set my plight before you, wondering if you could know.
If my head is not empty and my thoughts have some meaning,
Why do I sit and stare thinking, thinking thoughts of nothing?
Until I find the answer, here I continue to ponder thinking into night.

The Right Path?

How do you know when something is right for you? When someone tells you it is impossible you automatically want to prove them wrong. But what if what they say you can't do isn't what you really want to do. So if you don't do it they are right, but if you do it you aren't happy. So my predicament is that I am unsure if this career path is right for me. But if I don't follow through people will say I gave up. I don't think I'll ever be completely sure of what I want to do for the rest of my life. But I do know that I want to do it for me. I don't want to map out my future because of someone else's snide comments. No one's future should be decided by someone else. Follow the path marked out for you. It may take some time to find it but it will be worth it.

Home

When you fall I will catch you. Nothing can tear us apart. I will always be here for you. Just come into my arms. My love is greater than every grain of sand. This bond between us is stronger than crashing wave. With me you will prosper. Alone you cannot stand. Come into my home and place your head down to rest. Sleep child, sleep. In the morning I will wake you and we will begin again. Because no matter how many times you forget my commands. No matter how long you stand on distant lands. No matter what you do I will always hold your hand. I will always bring you back to your right and perfect path. I will never forget you. I will never give up. You are my child, my lost and desperate child. My beautiful and lovely child. Come home.

Past, present, future

A simpler time. I felt liberated. I wish to go back to that time and place. But the truth is that even if I were to be on that beach once more, it would not be the same. Sure the location would be but I would not feel that same liberation from life at home. Stress, worries, work, school, and the unknown future. I would carry my baggage with me to that island. I can not leave it there either. When I think of that place I do not only picture the island and the beauty of it all, but also my life at that point. It was simple. I was not worry free but I was a light packer. I can not go back. I can only go forward. However unfortunate those phrases are, they are positive, absolute truth. It is in the past. The present is here. I can only pray my future is better.

Forever

I can't stop thinking about you. You consume my every second. I worry about your future. I'm scared for what could go wrong. I smile and laugh for I can see your happiest days unfolding. I will never stop loving you. I hope you always remember that. Never will I ever give up on you. As we both get older, I will still be here. Waiting for you to become a man. You will be great and you will succeed. I love you now and forever.

Disappointment

Its always there. People are not perfect, not even close. I looked up to him and viewed him as a role model. Then I saw in the newspaper the date he was to appear in court. Every characteristic of him that I valued was questioned. How do you deal with that kind of disappointment? Very recently I heard a story that sent me into a rage. A child of seven was gong to have his life split in two. Families divide every day. The divorce rate for America has skyrocketed. That does not mean it is ok. This family needs prayer. That little boy, whom I love so much, needs his mommy and daddy together under one roof. I'm disappointed in his parents because they are willing to share their child. THEIR CHILD!!! This kid is so special. He is intelligent beyond his age and extremely bright and cheerful. Imagine the happiest child becoming reclusive, sad, and shut out. What parent would want that for their kid? He should not be disappointed. No one should, yet it happens. We walk away from relationships because we don't want to deal with them. I say we stop doing what society says is normal. Actually put time into loving someone. Think about what repercussions your actions and words will have. Love and forgive.

My Healing Experience

The feeling of loneliness is always healed by speaking to the Lord. The book of Psalm has healed my soul and renewed my spirit. Chapter 6 especially spoke to me. It is about healing and finding the Lord's mercy. His unfailing love is a concept that can be grasped by no one. I am starting minute by minute and day by day to realize that truth more and more. I may never be able to fully know His love for me because it is so big, but I do know that what I can grasp is beyond what I deserve. His unfailing and perfect love given to a wretch like me. Amazing grace and undeserved mercy for all people, all sinners, even those who scorned Him at His dying breath. For with that last breath He gave us our first. Our first redeemed breath. I have turned away and I have joined the crowd who scoffed at Him. But He gave me another chance and again I turned away. This happened time and time again, but He never ever gives up on His children. What a Father! What a Savior! When I am weakest He will never forsake me and when turn my back He chases after me. I encourage you to read Psalm. It is beautiful and powerful. I know that I will never be the same.

Psalm 6:2-4 NIV

Have mercy on me, Lord , for I am faint;
heal me, Lord , for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord , how long? Turn, Lord , and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

Bits and Pieces

What is life? For me life is split up into categories: relationships, things we keep hidden, family, the obvious, God, and other pieces of our lives. But what truly makes sense to me is that even though we try to separate these pieces of our lives they all connect. God is in everything. Relationships get you through what you keep hidden and the obvious things about you are.....obvious. Sharing is one of the biggest pieces of life. We share our lives. Physically and emotionally we give away bits of ourselves. We give up time for people we care for. We work for others. We constantly share ourselves with people we come in contact with. So that is what life is about. Giving bits and pieces of yourself away everyday until you can give no more. Life will reach the final destination when God decides He wants all of you. You see, God is the only one who does not get just bits and pieces, but your whole being, your complete soul.

Him

I'm over him. He wasn't a faze or someone I just decided to like one day. It was real. When I saw him I got this feeling that was deep and strong. It was passionate and meaningful. I had my reasons too. He is funny and smart. Extremely attractive but doesn't realize it. We have many things in common. Most of all he reminds me of my dad. He will never like me. I'm realistic not negative. I know I'm not the type of girl a guy like that would ask out. I came to terms with that long ago.  I know my life is not a fairy tale. He will never like me, something like that would only happen in a movie. You might say I'm a depressed and pessimistic person but that's reality. I've come to terms with it because it is also called life.  For a bit of optimism - it goes on. Life that is. I gave it time. I don't sit around moping and pining. I don't constantly think about what being with him would be like. I worked, I laughed, I cried just a enough to let go of the pain, and I kept going. I'm not saying that I will ever forget him, I'm just saying that time heals. Time can also harm if you sit there moping. So if you can relate, get up, go out, and live. Because life should not revolve around someone you have no chance with. Yea it might hurt, but it will hurt a whole lot less if you live life for yourself. My philosophy is this: Once I have starting living my life for me, who knows, someone might enter my life because they get that deep and strong feeling every time they are with me. And I will have the experience to know just how to react. 

A little bit about myself...

I've never made what I've written public before. I have also never told any one what goes on in my head. You may think I'm crazy for doing this but I feel like if I don't share my thoughts with anyone, I might erupt. Sharing your deepest thoughts, ideas, and desires with close friends and strangers is terrifying but I need to do this. Comment if you have input and I encourage you to share a little of yourself. After all, we need each other. No one should keep themselves bottled up. I have for way too long. It is time to let it all go and just write.